Why?

This is always the question that is asked when things don't go your way.  By no means do I claim to be perfect, but there are things that I try to control and they just don't seem to work out.  I juggle my insanity with 3 balls of hope.  I tend to believe in people more than they believe in themselves.  Maybe it's because I believe that I can make everything alright.  Maybe it's because I've seen the worst in people and I know that everyone is not like that.  I live in darkness, but it's mostly by choice.  I've been called evil, yet those close to me know that is not the case.  I'm not going to sit here and claim to be the best person on the planet, but I strive to be a great friend.  Why?  Because I believe that's what I was put here for. 

What makes you mad might make me laugh.  I can't explain that one.  But one thing that I've learned is that everything is not meant to be explained.  In some cases, I search for it anyway.  But to no avail.  When things are spinning out of control, sometimes it's just best to let it ride it's way out.  The roller coaster of life has peaks and valleys.  The ride can be fun at times.  But there are also moments when it can scare the living shit out of you.  How you handle that can and will define you.  Adversity has always taught me a lesson.  I may not have liked all of them, but I learned none the less.  Why?  Because we all serve a different purpose.

You can wander through a world of infinite sorrow, but everyone sees the sun from time to time.  How else can you explain that shadow that you cast over your aches and pains?  When you can see a smile in the darkest of moments, there isn't always a why...just a thank you.  And that's when you know that you've done something meaningful.  That's the answer to "why do I feel this way"...And at that moment, you never wonder why again...

When unconditional comes with conditions

Let's talk about the term "Unconditional Love" for a minute.  It's not something that can be easily described nor explained.  However, when it hits you like a ton of bricks, you know it to be true.  There is literally nothing that you wouldn't do for that person.  You can have all types of rules and protocols that you follow, yet when unconditional love is involved they all fly right out of the window. 

This condition does not come around everyday.  Sure, you may love someone.  But there is a small difference between love and unconditional love.  When you love someone, there may still be some issues that you carry with you that just won't allow you to grow together.  When it's unconditional, you not only look past those issues, you actually work together to make things work.  You accept all the flaws that make them human.  And they do the same with you.  However, how can you give them that type of affection if they find every reason to resist it?  You can't.  You can try to do all of the things that you know are best for them, but if they don't want it they wont get it.  One of the major reasons for this is because they don't realize how much they mean to you.  They carry scars of past loves that made the same promises that you now proclaim.  What would make you any different from the past loves?  Why should they believe in you when you're a man, just like the last set of losers who said the exact same words that you now throw around like Peyton?

We are all unique in our own ways.  The way that we express ourselves can be just as unique.  I try to show by my actions when I care for you.  Sometimes the words are not enough.  But it gets frustrating when that isn't recognized.  I carry myself unlike any other that I know.  When I let you in, you have so much power that it's ridiculous.  I love hard, so of course I hurt just as much.  But, I hate to exert my negative energy on her.  That's right, I said her.  She tries to be there for me, just as I try to be there for her.  And sometimes, I just won't let her.  I love her with all that I am, but I refuse to let her feel my pain.  And yes, I expect her to let me in when she's in pain.  And although I know it's unfair, that's who I've always been.  I've always been the one that hid my pain yet always wants to help you through yours.  That's my condition.  Because even though I know that she has the same unconditional love for me that I have for her, I constantly keep her in that "safe haven" that won't let her know I hurt.  I won't let her know that I'm in pain.  I've set "conditions" on our "unconditional love", and I expect her to understand.  I want her there when I want her there.  Because that's how I've carried on.  And now I see, if it's going to continue to be unconditional, I have to mend my conditions...

A Language Of Your Own

Everyone who has any type of relationship with another person has a way of communicating that no one else understands.  Whether it be the language of love, laughter, or sheer ignorance, it's your language.  And one thing about it, it can really aggravate those around you that don't have a clue as to what the hell you are talking about.

I'll give you a few that you may not have a clue about from my dictionary - B.D.BO, up-n-unders, Tex Winter, Rubics Cube, Kevin Mchale, BBS, and Gorilla Pics.  Only a few people have a clue as to what any of those really mean.  However, there is one term that we have used long enough (Oceans) that we've decided to let the pervervial cat out of the bag.  The PF...Pump Fakes.  A Pump Fake is used in basketball to throw your defender off by making them think you're about to shoot the rock, only to blow right by them when you catch them off guard.  A Pump Fake in our terms pretty much means the same thing.  It's our way of calling someone out when they say something that you know is off-the-charts bullshit!  A Pump Fakers is usually in need of attention, which is why they may say or tweet some things just to make you look.  Some of their Pump Fakes make you believe that they're bigger/better than they really are.  Some make you feel sad for them.  But don't feel bad for them.  In some way or another, there is something that sad about them.  They live in a world where they actually believe the crow that they present.  They'll do whatever they can to get you to jump out of position so that they can blow right past you.  When used properly, a Pump Fake can be very effective.  Don't believe me?  Check this out.

I know that this topic is supposed to be "taboo",  but we don't live by that creed.  A few weeks ago, it was discovered that a certain someone (ReinaSong) pulled the ultimate Pump Fake on us.  She had pics up, ran a blog, and even co-hosted some shows with 12Kyle.  But thanks to the investigative reportings of WIM, we found out that this wasn't a real person.  I mean, she was validated by so many people that we bought into it as well.  Now, all the people that called her their friend wants us to shut up & let it blow over.  We will do no such thing.  This is one of the funniest things that I've ever witnessed.  We always said that her voice didn't match the pics that she put up.  But, since she was validated we left it alone.  She Pump Faked the hell out of us!

They're not always easy to spot, but Pump Fakers are all over.  Be weary of them, for they will charm your socks off if you let them.  Or make you feel like they're in need.  Or worse, make you think they're something that they are not.  We know you're out there.  And because of that, we'll keep our feet on the ground and keep our eyes on your torso...had to throw one more out there!

Til the end of time

I've often heard that friendships come and go.  I don't live by that mantra.  I'm a firm believer that if you're my friend, that's what you'll always be to me.  Just because we have a different view on things doesn't mean that we automatically fall out.  That's what makes us human.  But I'll never turn my back on you.

Like most people, I have a crew that I depend on when my chips are down.  We've been friends for 20 years.  Same cats.  We've been thru a lot together.  And we've always had each others backs.  But outside of my crew, we have developed other relationships with other people that we respect on the same level.  They may not have the same amount of time in, but we still consider them friends.  Which essentially makes them pham.  We trust in them because we've seen something in them that provides us with comfort.  And just like my Ocean's crew, I'll never turn my back on them either.  I may not share the same experiences with them, but I'll support them with all that I am.  And we're the type of cats that don't brag about that.  We just show support and want you to understand that it's genuine. 

My crew can never be replaced in my heart, but that doesn't mean that there's not room in my heart for more friends.  I may not take them as often as I can, but I have taken some new friendships that I have appreciation for.  They may not always know that, but I do.  Sometimes I need an ear to just listen to my rhetoric of nothingness.  Without judgement.  Sometimes it's just good to hear about their experiences, considering I sometimes included them in my poetic ventures.  But most importantly, sometimes I just need them in my life to provide balance in the hour of chaos.  I can only hope that they can accept my flaws, as I accept theirs.  Because when I befriend you, it's til the end of time...

Motherless Child

More times than not, our past defines who we are.  We can mask those feelings from the outside world, but you can never out run it.  We are who we are.  Taking a trip home this weekend, it was a harsh reminder of mine.  And for reasons sometimes only known by myself, the definition of ME can get tricky.  Take a journey with me, if you will.

I grew up in a project called Oakland Heights.  When I was there, I didn't know much about the world outside of it.  The "Heights" was everything to me.  And if you saw it today and knew me now, you would have never guessed I grew up there.  But Oakland Heights gave me foundation.  It made me who I am.

However, there's another part of my life that has defined me.  It is a burden that I've carried for a majority of my life.  At times, I don't like to admit that it has played a strong part in who I have become, but it has.  I grew up in a single parent home.  Now, this is not unusual in Black Amerikkka unfortunately.  But in my case, I knew my father.  He wasn't the one who dipped out.  My mother left.  Things didn't work out with my parents and she decided to leave my father.  But at the same time, she left me too.  Only recently have I been able to speak on this subject, but there is a reality to this situation that NOW I can speak on with comfort. 

My father did the best that he could with a young boy, his first and only child at the time, in a world of chaos and dispair.  He taught me how to be a man, which is probably the most important lesson he could have taught me.  But there are things that he couldn't do much with.  He was a man, so nurturing wasn't truly in his nature.  Sure, he gave me valuable lessons on how to treat the ladies, but there were other things that only a mother can teach.  Only a mother can give.  If you know me, then you'll notice how much love I give to "other" mothers.  With that lack of love that I recieved from my mother, in some synical sense it taught me to be appreciative of women who were being mothers.  Although Mother's Day doesn't have the same meaning to me, I still respect the mothers of the world.  When I hear others speak highly of their mothers, a small part of me wreaks of jealousy.  Understand, there is no hatred behind it.  But I wish I knew what that felt like.  I wish I had a mothers' love...MY mothers' love. 

I've outgrown the need for that love, but the need for an explanation is still there.  I had given up hope, but was convinced that I should give it one last try.  And I did.  Counter-productive to say the least.  This situation has put me in a place that builds walls to keep anything out that tries to help me.  However, there will always be a brick missing.  That missing brick will always keep me at the mercy of a truth that I may never know.  Because all of the mothers of my crew have taken me as their son, and not just a friend of theirs, I have been able to survive.  And that's why I rock with Oceans no matter what.  I trust them like no others.  Yet, this is the first time that they'll be able to discuss this with me in an open forum because I have subliminally made it off limits.  Rarely do I let anyone into my world, because I have so many different layers.  But today, I made the conscious decision to not let this drive me anymore.  In order for me to move forward in life, I have to face this head on.  For the sake of me being a better friend...a better person...a better father.  So, if she has taught me anything, it is to make sure that if you're someone that I consider a friend or a loved one, then never let you feel what I've felt.  To always do right by my people.  And although I am a man, to never let you feel like a Motherless Child...