The Self Loather

There seems to be a new phenomenon that I just can't seem to figure out.  I've seen it on multiple social sites.  And it's quite disturbing.  I'm not sure what the clinical term for it is, but I call it Self Loathing.  And I must admit, I don't like it.

This happens occasionally from the most common of folk.  Now, I don't wanna sit here and name call, but it is what it is.  Why do some people go to social sites and proclaim their loneliness?  Is it a cry for sympathy, or are you truly looking for love?  Or in some cases, lust.  I know that relationships can be difficult, whether you're being discreet or very public.  But it truly boggles my mind when I see people post about their lack of sex life.  Or how they can't find a mate.  I mean, are you presenting yourself as someone that would be wanted by another person?  Are you willing to change what hasn't worked in order to make it work with someone else?  Are you looking in the right places?  I only ask because, I just wonder what do you plan to get out of your public cries about it.  Some people have chosen to NOT be with anyone else until they're ready, and that's cool.  But for the one's who are actually actively looking, I don't get it.  I've tried to be quiet about it but, it happens so much that I've been forced to come back to blogging just to express my confusion. 

I hate to engage in Twitter warfare or FaceBook post backs, because I usually don't get the answers that I'm looking for.  That's not even the reason for this particular post.  I just know that I can't be the only one who sees people posting about not getting sex and says "why not?"  When you put up those posts, does it work?  I just wanna understand the reasoning as to why it's done.  No offense to whoever does it.  I just don't get it...

Pulse

NO LOVE IS LIKE THE ONE THAT IS LOST

I’VE SEEMED TO HAVE LOST THAT FEELING

EMOTIONS ARE AS CONTROLLABLE AS TIDAL WAVES

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN IT WILL COME CRASHING DOWN

YOU CAN LOVE & FEEL PLEASURE WITH EVERY PART OF YOUR BODY

BUT THE PAIN CAN ONLY BE FELT IN YOUR HEART

TODAY IS THE DAY I LOST THAT LOVE I ONCE LIVED FOR

I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE WITHOUT IT

BUT AS I SIT HERE, STILL CONSCIENCE OF MY SURROUNDINGS,

I REALIZE THAT LOVE CAN BE FOUND AGAIN

SEEMS LIKE IT CAN TAKE A LIFETIME TO CAPTURE THAT TRUE FEELING

AND A NEW YORK SECOND TO LOSE IT

I GUESS I NEVER REALLY HAD LOVE

LOVE ALWAYS HAD ME

THAT’S WHY I FELL IN IT

I FEEL EMPTY WITHOUT IT

BUT BETTER FOR IT

THINGS I SEE EVERYDAY BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES

THE WAY I GET AT NIGGAS BRINGS EARS TO MY CRIES

BUT PAIN CANNOT BE HEARD

FEELINGS MAKE NO SOUND

LOVE HAS A PULSE

I DON’T

THAT’S WHY THE LOVE THAT I SHOW WILL NEVER BE GREATER THAN THE LOVE I DON’T

BECAUSE THAT’S THE LOVE I FEEL

THE PULSE OF MY HEART

Alone

YOU DON’T KNOW ME, ALTHOUGH I FILLED YOUR BELLY FOR 9 MONTHS

MY EMPTINESS FOR YOU WAS FILLED BY ANOTHER, WHOM I PROUDLY CALL MOTHER

YOU WASN’T AROUND WHEN I HAD MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND

TO TELL ME THAT CALLIN’ HER “MY BITCH” WASN’T COOL

TO PREPARE ME FOR THE DOWNFALL WHEN SHE LEFT ME & I THOUGHT SHE WAS THE LAST ONE I WOULD LOVE

BUT POPS WAS

YOU DON’T KNOW ME, BUT YOU TELL EVERYONE HOW PROUD YOU ARE

MY LIFE GOT OUT OF WACK FOR A MOMENT FOR UNJUSTIFIABLE REASONS

YOU WASN’T AROUND THE FIRST TIME I MADE LOVE

TO TELL ME THAT SHE WOULDN’T LIKE IT JUST JAMMED IN

TO PREPARE ME FOR THAT MELODIC SENSATION THAT CURLED MY TOES & EXPLODED LIKE A WARM, SHAKEN PEPSI, NOT STIRRED

BUT POPS WAS

YOU DON’T KNOW ME, EVEN THOUGH WE SEE EACH OTHER EVERY HOLIDAY & PASS AS FRIENDS

THE PAIN EASED AS TIME PASSED FROM DAYS, TO MONTHS, TO YEARS

YOU WASN’T AROUND WHEN I JOINED THE ARMY

TO TELL ME THAT I WOULD BE FORCED TO GROW UP WAY AHEAD OF SCHEDULE

TO PREPARE ME FOR MANHOOD, WHEN ALL THAT WAS FUNNY WAS NO LONGER, & THE ADULTHOOD THAT I LONGED FOR COULD WAIT A LIL’ LONGER

BUT POPS WAS

SEE, YOU WISH YOU KNEW ME, SO YOU COULD SOLIDIFY THAT LIFE LONG DREAM OF SAYING YOU DID SOMETHING GOOD WITH YOUR LIFE

I WASN’T AROUND TO WATCH YOU CRUMBLE

TO TELL YOU THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME MENTALLY STRONGER

TO PREPARE YOU FOR THE FACT THAT WE DON’T EXIST, WE JUST KNOW EACH OTHER

BUT YOU WERE…..

ALONE

MY HEART

NO LOVE IS LIKE THE ONE THAT IS LOST

I’VE SEEMED TO HAVE LOST THAT FEELING

EMOTIONS ARE AS CONTROLLABLE AS TIDAL WAVES

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN IT WILL COME CRASHING DOWN

YOU CAN LOVE & FEEL PLEASURE WITH EVERY PART OF YOUR BODY

BUT THE PAIN CAN ONLY BE FELT IN YOUR HEART

TODAY IS THE DAY I LOST THAT LOVE I ONCE LIVED FOR

I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE WITHOUT IT

BUT AS I SIT HERE, STILL CONSCIENCE OF MY SURROUNDINGS,

I REALIZE THAT LOVE CAN BE FOUND AGAIN

SEEMS LIKE IT CAN TAKE A LIFETIME TO CAPTURE THAT TRUE FEELING

AND A NEW YORK SECOND TO LOSE IT

I GUESS I NEVER REALLY HAD LOVE

LOVE ALWAYS HAD ME

THAT’S WHY I FELL IN IT

I FEEL EMPTY WITHOUT IT

BUT BETTER FOR IT

THINGS I SEE EVERYDAY BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES

THE WAY I GET AT NIGGAS BRINGS EARS TO MY CRIES

BUT PAIN CANNOT BE HEARD

FEELINGS MAKE NO SOUND

LOVE HAS A PULSE

I DON’T

THAT’S WHY THE LOVE THAT I SHOW WILL NEVER BE GREATER THAN THE LOVE I DON’T

BECAUSE THAT’S THE LOVE I FEEL

THE PULSE OF MY HEART

To Build And Destroy

GET OFF ME LUST

GET OFF ME ENVY

I DON’T WANNA CHILL NO MO’

GET OFF ME IGNORANCE

GET OFF ME HATRED

GET OFF ME GREED

Y’ALL TRYIN’ TO KILL ME

GET AWAY FROM ME BACKSTABBERS

STEP OFF LIARS

BACK UP SNAKES AND RATS ALIKE

I NEVER KNEW Y’ALL

GET OFF ME LAZINESS

GET OFF ME VANITY

GET OFF ME ANIMOSITY

I CAN TELL Y’ALL WANT ME DOWN

THE SEDUCTIVE LADY

THE DEVIOUS MAN

WORKING HAND AND HAND TO SEE ME FALL

I DON’T WANT THE COMPANY

SPARE ME THE PAIN AND THE CONFUSION

GIVE ME THE LOVE AND I’LL BREAK YO’ CHAINS

THE COMPANY I KEEP IS PEACE

THE FOLKS I’M COOL WITH IS JOY AND LOVE

TOGETHER WE GO AND CHECK OUT PROSPERITY

ALL THE DECEIT AND SELFISHNESS IS BASED ON ENVIOUS GAIN

AND I DON’T NEED IT

I DON’T WANT IT AND I AIN’T HAVING IT

I’M MOVING ON

LEAVING THE NEGATIVITY, WATCHIN’ IT BYTE THE DUST

WITH MY NEW CREW, WE’LL STAND AGAINST YOU

FACE TO FACE

AND BATTLE TOE TO TOE UNTIL ONE IS SUBDUED AND TERMINATED

EVERYDAY IF WE HAVE TO

EVERY MINUTE IF NECESSARY

TO BUILD, WE MUST DESTROY!!!!

When You Know What You Know:Props

AN ATMOSPHERE OF ANIMOSITY AND TENSION IS CREATED

WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW AND PERFORM ACCORDINGLY

AND DON’T RECEIVE YOU PROPS

YOU’RE CONSISTENT

AND ON TIME

AND CROWN YOUR WORK WITH QUALITY, EFFECTIVENESS AND EFFICIENCY

BUT STILL – NO PROPS

YOU’RE OVERLOOKED

AND MANY TIMES LOOKED UPON AS A LAST RESORT

OR NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND

OR YOU’RE JUST CONVENIENT FOR THE TIME BEING

NONETHELESS THE PROBLEM IS SOLVED

BUT STILL – NO PROPS

YOU’RE ONE OF THE HARDEST WORKERS

KNOWLEDGEABLE AND UNDERSTANDING

HELPFUL

WILLING TO ASSIST AND LEARN

LEADING AS APTLY AS YOU FOLLOW

BUT STILL – NO PROPS

YOU DEMONSTRATE NO FAVORITISM

YOU DON’T COMPLY WITH DISCRIMINATION

YOU CONDONE NO SCHEMES

YOU ASSIST NOT WITH THE MALICIOUS DEEDS, BUT WITH THE WORK TOWARDS A COMMON GOAL

AND STILL – NO PROPS

NO PROPS

NO CREDIT

NO ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

YOU COULD VERY WELL BE THE BACKBONE OF THE BODY

THE BASE OF THE PYRAMID

THE CORNERSTONE OF THE BUILDING

THE OXYGEN FOR THE LUNGS

EVEN THE SMALLEST PART OF THE OPERATION BUT HANDLING ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT TASKS

AND STILL – NO PROPS

DON’T WORRY

THESE THINGS

THESE QUALITIES AND VIRTUES WON’T RECEIVE PROPS UNTIL THEY’RE GONE

UNTIL THEY ARE DISMISSED OR TERMINATED FROM THOSE WHO OVERLOOKED THEM

AND THERE’S NOTHING OR NO ONE TO TURN TO

THAT’S WHY, WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW AND PERFORM ACCORDINGLY IT’S PROPS WITHIN ITSELF

THIS PRINCIPLE ALONE IS POWER, RELIANCE AND MERIT ONLY USED AND FELT BY THE POSSESSOR

WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW AND PERFORM ACCORDINGLY, IT’S PROPS

Endings to a new Beginning...

I deserved better.  And so did she.  But sometimes, It's better to walk away.  If we were meant to be, then we would have been.  I allowed my walls to be breached.  Trust is an earned virtue.  That's what makes it so hard to swallow.  Cuz my favorite past time has now passed it's time without as much of an unceremonious kiss on the frontal lobe.  Every empire has it's downfall.  I ignored my instincts and began to believe I could be loved.  Not sure where Wonderland is, but I know how Alice felt.  Slowly, I began to climb out of that "hold"...you know, the one that "held" my heart..."held" my attention.

Does the amount really matter?  Time spent apart doesn't always cure the unknown entity reflected as lust.  It may have started as a simple crush, but what has it grown to now?  The end is now closer than the beginning.  Sometimes it's better to say goodbye to the pain and the lies. 

I can't continue down this path of destruction and self hate.  Loving you has taken it's toll, for I have lost control of my relenting soul because our beautiful love is a story that may never be told.  The corner has been turned, and I remember what my smile looks like.  You may find yourself in a dark place, but that won't make you blind...It feels good to have my breath back again.