Where have I been?

The number 1 question on most peoples minds have been just that.  Well, I've been taking time to reflect of life, as I know it.  You know how you have a plan, and it just doesn't go the way you expect it?  How to react to that is exactly what I've been dealing with.  I forgot how important I am to ME.  The best lessons are the ones that you learn thru failure.  My career path is not the one that I'm supposed to be on.  However, I haven't taken the proper strides to get to where I truly belong.  I've stalled at the gates, if you will.  I do feel good about the fact that I have gotten more focused on my poetry book, that I WILL complete.  But that's another story.

No matter what you do, if you put forth half-ass efforts you will always get half-ass results.  I think back to the days where I would get angry at the drop of a hat, and it was nothing for me to explode on whoever was around.  I took a stance & decided to change that aspect of my life.  You've heard me say time and time again that I stick to myself.  However, during that process I would think of/and do nothing.  I just felt like, in due time this will pass.  This time, I decided to be more open to changing that.  Maybe I didn't talk about what was really in my head, but I did talk.  I still read.  And I still wrote.  I even mustered up the strength to do some research on what my true profession should and will be.  I'm not supposed to be verifying whether or not cables and poles are placed correctly in a database...I'm supposed to be a Sports Agent.  When I began that journey, I was wide open.  I wouldn't even allow the thought of failure to enter my mind.  But, such as life, I reached a point where I had to take a break from my classes and thus, lost momentum.  There are a few people who actually knows about this desire.  However, no one ever thought to ask me when I was hopping back on that train.  But leave it to my father to jump right in, feet first, and remind me of all my aspirations that I had.  That I have.  Sure, the economy has had somewhat of an effect on how I've approached this goal.  But that excuse can no longer be my crutch.  If that's what I want to do, then I need to get back on that horse and ride it into the sunset.  How dare I try to inspire my kids to reach for the stars when I'm still sitting here not doing the same.  That won't be the case anymore.

So, where have I been you ask?  Well, I've been right here all along.  I'm never going away.  Just refocused.  I may not be the man that I want to be, but I'm a better man than I was yesterday.  And I strive to be a better man tomorrow.  I live for you...I do for you...but I can only be me...here is where I'll always be.

Only the strong

Pride can be a beast.  I recently encountered my own spell.  Being locked up in the house for about a week can really work the mind.  And of course, due to my stubborness, I decided to keep my issues to myself.  Well, my head has been hurting since Tuesday.  I still can't seem to put a finger on why it happened, but it did.  And as I write this blog, I still feel a little woosy.  I haven't been eating, reading, writing, or going to the gym.  I tried to stay away from work, but then I gave it a go on Thursday and paid the price.  Even going to the Bobcat game didn't seem to help. 

I don't know how to reach out sometimes and say that I need "help".  My pride won't let me.  I usually know what's causing my issues, but this time was different.  And while I've tried to figure it out, I resorted to my usual stance of going at it on my own.  I won't get too deep into why, but Saturday I started to turn it around.  Asking for assistance isn't a bad thing.  It's just not something that I'm accustomed to doing.  It always feel like I'm placing my burdens on someone else's shoulders.  That's not my purpose in life.  That's not why I'm here.  I try to provide the strength that others need.  How can I do that when I'm not at full strength?  And because of my pride, how would you know when I'm not?  I hear it all..."you can't be there for everybody...you're human too...you let things consume you..."  And as much as I hate to admit it, those people who tell me that are right (don't tell them I said that). 

I'm still the same soldier that I've always been.  Just had a little chink in my armor.  But I'm not going anywhere.  I'll distance myself from everyone from time to time.  But that doesn't mean that I've jumped ship.  I just need to recharge my batteries.  I just need to catch my breath.  Because of that, I continue to carry my pride like a championship banner.  I just wish that it would allow me to allow you in sometimes...Still growing everyday. 

Never stop (Exotic Short)

You lovin my style just like I'm lovin your smile/got you contemplating cuz you aint had my love in a while
Touch the spot I know that you like/take a nibble although you like when I bite
Got you smitten from the stroke of your kitten/never forgetten you diggin me cuz it was written
This is some grown shit, forget the daycare/touch my own shit, you know that I play fair
Tokin you up, smokin you up/we keep it hot girl, you know I love soakin you up
Calming my soul - you move me, always consumes me
Your innocence is precious, continues to rule me
Take my hand, guide it to your cherry blossom/kissin and & lickin til I reach the very bottom
They say I'm a freak, but you see the truth/I'm just a cat that has a strong sweet tooth
So when you feel that urge in the middle of the night/look me up cuz you know I be keepin it tight/keepin it write...

Lend me your ear

Sometimes I sit in this chair and have the craziest thoughts.  The most recent of these thoughts have been about my patience.  It really boggles my mind when I try to put it in perspective.  But the fact of the matter is, it's always been there.  When I was in high school, I was in a program called Teen Institute.  It was a drug and alcohol prevention/peer group.  Now, I know that you see me now and think to yourself "as much as you drink, that's impossible".  But remember, that was high school.  Things are a lot different now.  Anyway, that program taught me many lessons on life that I didn't appreciate until my early adult years.  It helped me realize that when someone needs to talk, you should be there for them.  We were told to never ask, just listen.  Never advise, just listen.  Sometimes, people just want to vent.  They don't really need to hear what you would do, or how you would handle it.  They just need someone to listen to them.  And in order to do that, you need to display patience.  They may not want to talk at the moment that you are there, so you have to be there whenever they need you.  That's what I try to do. 

Something that I find even more strange about this is, if you hung around my crew, you would not see me at the one that does that.  Lemme explain.  I'm gonna break my crew down and you tell me what you think.  Wood - the indecisive "wanna be at the scene" cat that doesn't wanna spend any loot to make it happen.  Cleazy - the intelligent "wanna be thug" that always gets shit for the party that nobody can explain.  CoCo - Mr Get To The Point is a ladies man, if you want that man to tell you exactly what he's gonna do to you if provided the chance.  K.Dot - this is the "ultimate" listener who has so many friends that he actually forgets how he knows them.  Me & Zeek - we are considered the "assholes" of our crew.  Every crew has at least one.  We're notorious for shutting down the entire operation just because we don't like dealing with too many people.  We're the ones that scream, cuz and fuss.  When the ball drops, we don't care who's going for it.  We're gonna get it at all costs.  And if you don't like it, so what!  However, I can tell you right now that when we see someone who needs to vent, we're the first ones to be there.  If we need to make a trip down the road to be there, then we're there.  We don't lend money if you need it.  We give it.  But we do it on the low.  We don't broadcast it.  That's not to say that the rest of the crew doesn't provide, but we're the anchors.  When people see that we don't show up to events, they automatically assume that we're not there because D & Zeek shut it down.  We let it ride cuz we don't care to save face.  But if you need anything, we're there.  No questions asked.

Don't let our bravado make you think that you can't come to us.  We are assholes, but we know how to listen.  We know how to care.  We just do wear it on our sleeves.  We'll listen, free of judgement. 

Chocolate Covered (Exotic)

Your elegance is astounding.  When in your arms, I feel a sense or urgency to give in to your every desire.  Instead, I hold you closer to me.  My heart beats to a rhythm that only we can enjoy.  And we dance our own little dance.  Inter-twining souls.  You've touched me in ways that I never imagined I could be touched.  And in your eyes, I am right where I want to be.  Lost in you.  Nothing about us is normal, and that's the most beautiful part of our relationship.  We make love without having sex.  Never expected your heart to be caressed and cared for in the manner that I provide.  To the point that it's down right frightening.  But we travel down this path together, and we know that nothing else matters.  In an instant, we convene to the moment that brings us both to our knees.  For I have longed to taste your chocolate skin for what seem like an eternity.  And it's everything that a man can dream of.  You rub and grab my head, just the way I like it.  Deep moans from you only make me want to please you more.  The grip of your thighs tighten, as you have wanted me to taste you as badly as I wanted to oblige.  I take in all that you have to offer, and even beg for what you don't.  You give in to DLuvhall, and nothing pleases me more.  I take a moment to look into your eyes, and you beg me to continue.  Even if I wanted to, there's no way that I would stop now.  I want you to feel the ultimate...which is why I slowly press my lips to yours.  My tongue travels in small but decisive circles as your eyes roll into your head, feeling desire that has only been written about.  Orgasmic eruption, for we have reached our mountaintop of climatic exploits.  I thank you for my chocolate fix, and you simply wink and tell me "anytime"...my ultimate sweet tooth fix.

I don't wanna listen...

I tend to write when things are going a lil sideways.  When they are, sometimes the best solution for me is to ignore it and move forward.  That's what a lot of my life has been about...forward movement.  It's a daily struggle.  There are times when the best solution is to walk away, but I can't seem to make that move.  But when I do, I never look back.  In my wake, I have left some sour situations.  Some could have been worked out, others not so much.  And even though it hurts at the time, I am able to reflect on those moments and grow.  When you're as guarded as I am, giving can be a task all in itself.  However, I do.  However, there are 2 sides to that coin.  On the one hand, I must ultimately trust and respect you in order for me to give in.  But then, if I walk away it can make me cold.  Bitter even.  But, because I don't like to hurt loved ones, you may never know it.  This brief blog is only being written because as of this moment, I am living in a state of confusion.  And I don't like it.  This liq will only subside the distress that I am well schooled in hiding.  I don't smile much, so the average cat never knows what's going through my demented mind.  And because those who I am closest to doesn't see me on a regular, they can only speculate if there's something truly going on or am I just in one of my many moods.  I'm notorious for staying "in my lane" because I always work on things at my own pace.  At the same time, sometimes I just have a quick thought that burns my soul, and I get over it in a matter of minutes...ok, a matter of hours.  But that's mainly because I find peace in solitude.  I go to the park, or the book store, or simply take a drive to clear my head.  And when those things don't work as well as they should, I go to Best Buy or have a glass of one of my favorite spirits (you can laugh now).  When I wake up in the morning, this will be a blip on my map of life.  A rant of complete and utter nothingness.  But right now, it's soothing.

Speak easy...

If there's one thing that I know about myself, it's that I have gotten better over the years when it comes to communication.  There was a time when I thought I only needed to argue to get my point across.  Well, times have changed and so have I.  People may not agree with how I've started to deal with issues, but it works for me.  The art of silence...

Arguments usually lead to something being said that in a normal circumstance would not be said.  Sometimes, when we're hurting all we think about doing is hurting that person that has caused us pain.  I was notorious for being an asshole at the sake of hurting others.  But I see life in a much different light.  I tend to internalize issues.  In my mind, at least I'm not hurting anyone else.  And when I do decide to speak on things, I tread quietly.  Softly, if you will.  I don't wanna cause any waves, because I know what "could" happen if I do.  Just because I don't like to argue anymore doesn't mean that I won't.  It's one of those things that I now see as "corny".  Even in disagreement, people should be able to talk to each other in a rational sense.  The mind has a funny way of operating.  You may think you have things under control, but sometimes that mind of yours can drift to a place that you never knew existed.  And when it does, that's when you find out who you are.  How you handle things normally describes your character. 

I'll be the first to admit, my mind drifts quite often.  And when it does, I tend to think of the worse case scenarios.  That way I won't be surprised if it materializes.  I also do this so that when/if there ever becomes a time when things needs to be discussed, I can maintain my cool.  You'd be amazed at how much can be accomplished when you can just talk.  It's when you CAN'T talk that leads to disaster.  When I first decided that yelling was not the way, I used to have a notebook to scribe all my issues.  Those scribes turned into poems.  That was my outlet.  That IS my outlet.  When I can't talk about it, I write about it.  Since I've started this blog, I've opened up to some things that no one knew about me.  Here's another "confession"...I have thrown away more poems than I have in my collection.  The ones that are gone were only for that moment.  I write it, read it a week later, then tear it up.  If I could make you understand why I do that, I would be glad to.  All I can tell you is, it's therapeutic.  I've been asked to write for funerals, weddings, anniversaries, you name it.  And in doing so, I learned to communicate on a whole new level.  I can say the words, and I can show the actions.  They seemed to mean more when I wrote them.  In that regard, I felt like it would be better to also put my anger/rage into writing.  The writing has really opened the door to understanding that I can "talk" loud and "say" nothing.  It may be corny to you, but this is my way of working things out.