Only the strong

Pride can be a beast.  I recently encountered my own spell.  Being locked up in the house for about a week can really work the mind.  And of course, due to my stubborness, I decided to keep my issues to myself.  Well, my head has been hurting since Tuesday.  I still can't seem to put a finger on why it happened, but it did.  And as I write this blog, I still feel a little woosy.  I haven't been eating, reading, writing, or going to the gym.  I tried to stay away from work, but then I gave it a go on Thursday and paid the price.  Even going to the Bobcat game didn't seem to help. 

I don't know how to reach out sometimes and say that I need "help".  My pride won't let me.  I usually know what's causing my issues, but this time was different.  And while I've tried to figure it out, I resorted to my usual stance of going at it on my own.  I won't get too deep into why, but Saturday I started to turn it around.  Asking for assistance isn't a bad thing.  It's just not something that I'm accustomed to doing.  It always feel like I'm placing my burdens on someone else's shoulders.  That's not my purpose in life.  That's not why I'm here.  I try to provide the strength that others need.  How can I do that when I'm not at full strength?  And because of my pride, how would you know when I'm not?  I hear it all..."you can't be there for everybody...you're human too...you let things consume you..."  And as much as I hate to admit it, those people who tell me that are right (don't tell them I said that). 

I'm still the same soldier that I've always been.  Just had a little chink in my armor.  But I'm not going anywhere.  I'll distance myself from everyone from time to time.  But that doesn't mean that I've jumped ship.  I just need to recharge my batteries.  I just need to catch my breath.  Because of that, I continue to carry my pride like a championship banner.  I just wish that it would allow me to allow you in sometimes...Still growing everyday. 

Never stop (Exotic Short)

You lovin my style just like I'm lovin your smile/got you contemplating cuz you aint had my love in a while
Touch the spot I know that you like/take a nibble although you like when I bite
Got you smitten from the stroke of your kitten/never forgetten you diggin me cuz it was written
This is some grown shit, forget the daycare/touch my own shit, you know that I play fair
Tokin you up, smokin you up/we keep it hot girl, you know I love soakin you up
Calming my soul - you move me, always consumes me
Your innocence is precious, continues to rule me
Take my hand, guide it to your cherry blossom/kissin and & lickin til I reach the very bottom
They say I'm a freak, but you see the truth/I'm just a cat that has a strong sweet tooth
So when you feel that urge in the middle of the night/look me up cuz you know I be keepin it tight/keepin it write...

Lend me your ear

Sometimes I sit in this chair and have the craziest thoughts.  The most recent of these thoughts have been about my patience.  It really boggles my mind when I try to put it in perspective.  But the fact of the matter is, it's always been there.  When I was in high school, I was in a program called Teen Institute.  It was a drug and alcohol prevention/peer group.  Now, I know that you see me now and think to yourself "as much as you drink, that's impossible".  But remember, that was high school.  Things are a lot different now.  Anyway, that program taught me many lessons on life that I didn't appreciate until my early adult years.  It helped me realize that when someone needs to talk, you should be there for them.  We were told to never ask, just listen.  Never advise, just listen.  Sometimes, people just want to vent.  They don't really need to hear what you would do, or how you would handle it.  They just need someone to listen to them.  And in order to do that, you need to display patience.  They may not want to talk at the moment that you are there, so you have to be there whenever they need you.  That's what I try to do. 

Something that I find even more strange about this is, if you hung around my crew, you would not see me at the one that does that.  Lemme explain.  I'm gonna break my crew down and you tell me what you think.  Wood - the indecisive "wanna be at the scene" cat that doesn't wanna spend any loot to make it happen.  Cleazy - the intelligent "wanna be thug" that always gets shit for the party that nobody can explain.  CoCo - Mr Get To The Point is a ladies man, if you want that man to tell you exactly what he's gonna do to you if provided the chance.  K.Dot - this is the "ultimate" listener who has so many friends that he actually forgets how he knows them.  Me & Zeek - we are considered the "assholes" of our crew.  Every crew has at least one.  We're notorious for shutting down the entire operation just because we don't like dealing with too many people.  We're the ones that scream, cuz and fuss.  When the ball drops, we don't care who's going for it.  We're gonna get it at all costs.  And if you don't like it, so what!  However, I can tell you right now that when we see someone who needs to vent, we're the first ones to be there.  If we need to make a trip down the road to be there, then we're there.  We don't lend money if you need it.  We give it.  But we do it on the low.  We don't broadcast it.  That's not to say that the rest of the crew doesn't provide, but we're the anchors.  When people see that we don't show up to events, they automatically assume that we're not there because D & Zeek shut it down.  We let it ride cuz we don't care to save face.  But if you need anything, we're there.  No questions asked.

Don't let our bravado make you think that you can't come to us.  We are assholes, but we know how to listen.  We know how to care.  We just do wear it on our sleeves.  We'll listen, free of judgement. 

Chocolate Covered (Exotic)

Your elegance is astounding.  When in your arms, I feel a sense or urgency to give in to your every desire.  Instead, I hold you closer to me.  My heart beats to a rhythm that only we can enjoy.  And we dance our own little dance.  Inter-twining souls.  You've touched me in ways that I never imagined I could be touched.  And in your eyes, I am right where I want to be.  Lost in you.  Nothing about us is normal, and that's the most beautiful part of our relationship.  We make love without having sex.  Never expected your heart to be caressed and cared for in the manner that I provide.  To the point that it's down right frightening.  But we travel down this path together, and we know that nothing else matters.  In an instant, we convene to the moment that brings us both to our knees.  For I have longed to taste your chocolate skin for what seem like an eternity.  And it's everything that a man can dream of.  You rub and grab my head, just the way I like it.  Deep moans from you only make me want to please you more.  The grip of your thighs tighten, as you have wanted me to taste you as badly as I wanted to oblige.  I take in all that you have to offer, and even beg for what you don't.  You give in to DLuvhall, and nothing pleases me more.  I take a moment to look into your eyes, and you beg me to continue.  Even if I wanted to, there's no way that I would stop now.  I want you to feel the ultimate...which is why I slowly press my lips to yours.  My tongue travels in small but decisive circles as your eyes roll into your head, feeling desire that has only been written about.  Orgasmic eruption, for we have reached our mountaintop of climatic exploits.  I thank you for my chocolate fix, and you simply wink and tell me "anytime"...my ultimate sweet tooth fix.

I don't wanna listen...

I tend to write when things are going a lil sideways.  When they are, sometimes the best solution for me is to ignore it and move forward.  That's what a lot of my life has been about...forward movement.  It's a daily struggle.  There are times when the best solution is to walk away, but I can't seem to make that move.  But when I do, I never look back.  In my wake, I have left some sour situations.  Some could have been worked out, others not so much.  And even though it hurts at the time, I am able to reflect on those moments and grow.  When you're as guarded as I am, giving can be a task all in itself.  However, I do.  However, there are 2 sides to that coin.  On the one hand, I must ultimately trust and respect you in order for me to give in.  But then, if I walk away it can make me cold.  Bitter even.  But, because I don't like to hurt loved ones, you may never know it.  This brief blog is only being written because as of this moment, I am living in a state of confusion.  And I don't like it.  This liq will only subside the distress that I am well schooled in hiding.  I don't smile much, so the average cat never knows what's going through my demented mind.  And because those who I am closest to doesn't see me on a regular, they can only speculate if there's something truly going on or am I just in one of my many moods.  I'm notorious for staying "in my lane" because I always work on things at my own pace.  At the same time, sometimes I just have a quick thought that burns my soul, and I get over it in a matter of minutes...ok, a matter of hours.  But that's mainly because I find peace in solitude.  I go to the park, or the book store, or simply take a drive to clear my head.  And when those things don't work as well as they should, I go to Best Buy or have a glass of one of my favorite spirits (you can laugh now).  When I wake up in the morning, this will be a blip on my map of life.  A rant of complete and utter nothingness.  But right now, it's soothing.

Speak easy...

If there's one thing that I know about myself, it's that I have gotten better over the years when it comes to communication.  There was a time when I thought I only needed to argue to get my point across.  Well, times have changed and so have I.  People may not agree with how I've started to deal with issues, but it works for me.  The art of silence...

Arguments usually lead to something being said that in a normal circumstance would not be said.  Sometimes, when we're hurting all we think about doing is hurting that person that has caused us pain.  I was notorious for being an asshole at the sake of hurting others.  But I see life in a much different light.  I tend to internalize issues.  In my mind, at least I'm not hurting anyone else.  And when I do decide to speak on things, I tread quietly.  Softly, if you will.  I don't wanna cause any waves, because I know what "could" happen if I do.  Just because I don't like to argue anymore doesn't mean that I won't.  It's one of those things that I now see as "corny".  Even in disagreement, people should be able to talk to each other in a rational sense.  The mind has a funny way of operating.  You may think you have things under control, but sometimes that mind of yours can drift to a place that you never knew existed.  And when it does, that's when you find out who you are.  How you handle things normally describes your character. 

I'll be the first to admit, my mind drifts quite often.  And when it does, I tend to think of the worse case scenarios.  That way I won't be surprised if it materializes.  I also do this so that when/if there ever becomes a time when things needs to be discussed, I can maintain my cool.  You'd be amazed at how much can be accomplished when you can just talk.  It's when you CAN'T talk that leads to disaster.  When I first decided that yelling was not the way, I used to have a notebook to scribe all my issues.  Those scribes turned into poems.  That was my outlet.  That IS my outlet.  When I can't talk about it, I write about it.  Since I've started this blog, I've opened up to some things that no one knew about me.  Here's another "confession"...I have thrown away more poems than I have in my collection.  The ones that are gone were only for that moment.  I write it, read it a week later, then tear it up.  If I could make you understand why I do that, I would be glad to.  All I can tell you is, it's therapeutic.  I've been asked to write for funerals, weddings, anniversaries, you name it.  And in doing so, I learned to communicate on a whole new level.  I can say the words, and I can show the actions.  They seemed to mean more when I wrote them.  In that regard, I felt like it would be better to also put my anger/rage into writing.  The writing has really opened the door to understanding that I can "talk" loud and "say" nothing.  It may be corny to you, but this is my way of working things out.   

Why?

This is always the question that is asked when things don't go your way.  By no means do I claim to be perfect, but there are things that I try to control and they just don't seem to work out.  I juggle my insanity with 3 balls of hope.  I tend to believe in people more than they believe in themselves.  Maybe it's because I believe that I can make everything alright.  Maybe it's because I've seen the worst in people and I know that everyone is not like that.  I live in darkness, but it's mostly by choice.  I've been called evil, yet those close to me know that is not the case.  I'm not going to sit here and claim to be the best person on the planet, but I strive to be a great friend.  Why?  Because I believe that's what I was put here for. 

What makes you mad might make me laugh.  I can't explain that one.  But one thing that I've learned is that everything is not meant to be explained.  In some cases, I search for it anyway.  But to no avail.  When things are spinning out of control, sometimes it's just best to let it ride it's way out.  The roller coaster of life has peaks and valleys.  The ride can be fun at times.  But there are also moments when it can scare the living shit out of you.  How you handle that can and will define you.  Adversity has always taught me a lesson.  I may not have liked all of them, but I learned none the less.  Why?  Because we all serve a different purpose.

You can wander through a world of infinite sorrow, but everyone sees the sun from time to time.  How else can you explain that shadow that you cast over your aches and pains?  When you can see a smile in the darkest of moments, there isn't always a why...just a thank you.  And that's when you know that you've done something meaningful.  That's the answer to "why do I feel this way"...And at that moment, you never wonder why again...

When unconditional comes with conditions

Let's talk about the term "Unconditional Love" for a minute.  It's not something that can be easily described nor explained.  However, when it hits you like a ton of bricks, you know it to be true.  There is literally nothing that you wouldn't do for that person.  You can have all types of rules and protocols that you follow, yet when unconditional love is involved they all fly right out of the window. 

This condition does not come around everyday.  Sure, you may love someone.  But there is a small difference between love and unconditional love.  When you love someone, there may still be some issues that you carry with you that just won't allow you to grow together.  When it's unconditional, you not only look past those issues, you actually work together to make things work.  You accept all the flaws that make them human.  And they do the same with you.  However, how can you give them that type of affection if they find every reason to resist it?  You can't.  You can try to do all of the things that you know are best for them, but if they don't want it they wont get it.  One of the major reasons for this is because they don't realize how much they mean to you.  They carry scars of past loves that made the same promises that you now proclaim.  What would make you any different from the past loves?  Why should they believe in you when you're a man, just like the last set of losers who said the exact same words that you now throw around like Peyton?

We are all unique in our own ways.  The way that we express ourselves can be just as unique.  I try to show by my actions when I care for you.  Sometimes the words are not enough.  But it gets frustrating when that isn't recognized.  I carry myself unlike any other that I know.  When I let you in, you have so much power that it's ridiculous.  I love hard, so of course I hurt just as much.  But, I hate to exert my negative energy on her.  That's right, I said her.  She tries to be there for me, just as I try to be there for her.  And sometimes, I just won't let her.  I love her with all that I am, but I refuse to let her feel my pain.  And yes, I expect her to let me in when she's in pain.  And although I know it's unfair, that's who I've always been.  I've always been the one that hid my pain yet always wants to help you through yours.  That's my condition.  Because even though I know that she has the same unconditional love for me that I have for her, I constantly keep her in that "safe haven" that won't let her know I hurt.  I won't let her know that I'm in pain.  I've set "conditions" on our "unconditional love", and I expect her to understand.  I want her there when I want her there.  Because that's how I've carried on.  And now I see, if it's going to continue to be unconditional, I have to mend my conditions...

A Language Of Your Own

Everyone who has any type of relationship with another person has a way of communicating that no one else understands.  Whether it be the language of love, laughter, or sheer ignorance, it's your language.  And one thing about it, it can really aggravate those around you that don't have a clue as to what the hell you are talking about.

I'll give you a few that you may not have a clue about from my dictionary - B.D.BO, up-n-unders, Tex Winter, Rubics Cube, Kevin Mchale, BBS, and Gorilla Pics.  Only a few people have a clue as to what any of those really mean.  However, there is one term that we have used long enough (Oceans) that we've decided to let the pervervial cat out of the bag.  The PF...Pump Fakes.  A Pump Fake is used in basketball to throw your defender off by making them think you're about to shoot the rock, only to blow right by them when you catch them off guard.  A Pump Fake in our terms pretty much means the same thing.  It's our way of calling someone out when they say something that you know is off-the-charts bullshit!  A Pump Fakers is usually in need of attention, which is why they may say or tweet some things just to make you look.  Some of their Pump Fakes make you believe that they're bigger/better than they really are.  Some make you feel sad for them.  But don't feel bad for them.  In some way or another, there is something that sad about them.  They live in a world where they actually believe the crow that they present.  They'll do whatever they can to get you to jump out of position so that they can blow right past you.  When used properly, a Pump Fake can be very effective.  Don't believe me?  Check this out.

I know that this topic is supposed to be "taboo",  but we don't live by that creed.  A few weeks ago, it was discovered that a certain someone (ReinaSong) pulled the ultimate Pump Fake on us.  She had pics up, ran a blog, and even co-hosted some shows with 12Kyle.  But thanks to the investigative reportings of WIM, we found out that this wasn't a real person.  I mean, she was validated by so many people that we bought into it as well.  Now, all the people that called her their friend wants us to shut up & let it blow over.  We will do no such thing.  This is one of the funniest things that I've ever witnessed.  We always said that her voice didn't match the pics that she put up.  But, since she was validated we left it alone.  She Pump Faked the hell out of us!

They're not always easy to spot, but Pump Fakers are all over.  Be weary of them, for they will charm your socks off if you let them.  Or make you feel like they're in need.  Or worse, make you think they're something that they are not.  We know you're out there.  And because of that, we'll keep our feet on the ground and keep our eyes on your torso...had to throw one more out there!

Til the end of time

I've often heard that friendships come and go.  I don't live by that mantra.  I'm a firm believer that if you're my friend, that's what you'll always be to me.  Just because we have a different view on things doesn't mean that we automatically fall out.  That's what makes us human.  But I'll never turn my back on you.

Like most people, I have a crew that I depend on when my chips are down.  We've been friends for 20 years.  Same cats.  We've been thru a lot together.  And we've always had each others backs.  But outside of my crew, we have developed other relationships with other people that we respect on the same level.  They may not have the same amount of time in, but we still consider them friends.  Which essentially makes them pham.  We trust in them because we've seen something in them that provides us with comfort.  And just like my Ocean's crew, I'll never turn my back on them either.  I may not share the same experiences with them, but I'll support them with all that I am.  And we're the type of cats that don't brag about that.  We just show support and want you to understand that it's genuine. 

My crew can never be replaced in my heart, but that doesn't mean that there's not room in my heart for more friends.  I may not take them as often as I can, but I have taken some new friendships that I have appreciation for.  They may not always know that, but I do.  Sometimes I need an ear to just listen to my rhetoric of nothingness.  Without judgement.  Sometimes it's just good to hear about their experiences, considering I sometimes included them in my poetic ventures.  But most importantly, sometimes I just need them in my life to provide balance in the hour of chaos.  I can only hope that they can accept my flaws, as I accept theirs.  Because when I befriend you, it's til the end of time...

Motherless Child

More times than not, our past defines who we are.  We can mask those feelings from the outside world, but you can never out run it.  We are who we are.  Taking a trip home this weekend, it was a harsh reminder of mine.  And for reasons sometimes only known by myself, the definition of ME can get tricky.  Take a journey with me, if you will.

I grew up in a project called Oakland Heights.  When I was there, I didn't know much about the world outside of it.  The "Heights" was everything to me.  And if you saw it today and knew me now, you would have never guessed I grew up there.  But Oakland Heights gave me foundation.  It made me who I am.

However, there's another part of my life that has defined me.  It is a burden that I've carried for a majority of my life.  At times, I don't like to admit that it has played a strong part in who I have become, but it has.  I grew up in a single parent home.  Now, this is not unusual in Black Amerikkka unfortunately.  But in my case, I knew my father.  He wasn't the one who dipped out.  My mother left.  Things didn't work out with my parents and she decided to leave my father.  But at the same time, she left me too.  Only recently have I been able to speak on this subject, but there is a reality to this situation that NOW I can speak on with comfort. 

My father did the best that he could with a young boy, his first and only child at the time, in a world of chaos and dispair.  He taught me how to be a man, which is probably the most important lesson he could have taught me.  But there are things that he couldn't do much with.  He was a man, so nurturing wasn't truly in his nature.  Sure, he gave me valuable lessons on how to treat the ladies, but there were other things that only a mother can teach.  Only a mother can give.  If you know me, then you'll notice how much love I give to "other" mothers.  With that lack of love that I recieved from my mother, in some synical sense it taught me to be appreciative of women who were being mothers.  Although Mother's Day doesn't have the same meaning to me, I still respect the mothers of the world.  When I hear others speak highly of their mothers, a small part of me wreaks of jealousy.  Understand, there is no hatred behind it.  But I wish I knew what that felt like.  I wish I had a mothers' love...MY mothers' love. 

I've outgrown the need for that love, but the need for an explanation is still there.  I had given up hope, but was convinced that I should give it one last try.  And I did.  Counter-productive to say the least.  This situation has put me in a place that builds walls to keep anything out that tries to help me.  However, there will always be a brick missing.  That missing brick will always keep me at the mercy of a truth that I may never know.  Because all of the mothers of my crew have taken me as their son, and not just a friend of theirs, I have been able to survive.  And that's why I rock with Oceans no matter what.  I trust them like no others.  Yet, this is the first time that they'll be able to discuss this with me in an open forum because I have subliminally made it off limits.  Rarely do I let anyone into my world, because I have so many different layers.  But today, I made the conscious decision to not let this drive me anymore.  In order for me to move forward in life, I have to face this head on.  For the sake of me being a better friend...a better person...a better father.  So, if she has taught me anything, it is to make sure that if you're someone that I consider a friend or a loved one, then never let you feel what I've felt.  To always do right by my people.  And although I am a man, to never let you feel like a Motherless Child...